My bad habit is saving my sanity...five minutes at a time

I smoke. I've smoked for 13 years. In the 13 years I've smoked I've learned one very important thing...people HATE smokers. It's an awful, smelly habit that will kill you. I totally get it. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I'm doing something that is slowly going to kill me. It's not that I don't have the facts. I know. I believe I'm a respectful smoker, if there is such a thing. I move away from non-smokers when out with friends, I don't smoke with my children in the car/while carrying them/while they play near me, I don't smoke while anyone else is eating (smokers or not), if someone comments on my smoke coming towards them I apologize and move farther away. I like to smoke. Most smokers won't admit that. I actually like it. Why would anyone like smoking, you ask? It's simple. I have two small children. I married a non-smoker. A *nagging me to quit every time I say I'm going to go smoke* type of non smoker (which either makes me want to rip the hair from my head or point out that there was a recent study that said smoking decreased anxiety and depression...much like sex does...so either start fucking me more or shut the fuck up...but back to the point). In order to smoke I have to go outside on my porch or far away from my family in order to keep the smoke from them. This means I get a whole five minutes TO MYSELF!! It's my little break. I step outside on the porch, close the sliding door, light up and slowly exhale all the stress that has built up since the last cigarette and get to enjoy the peace and quiet for those five minutes. It's my way to decompress. My anxiety relief/stress relief. It's my little break from my crazy little world. I get more peace sitting outside in the pouring rain having a smoke than I would get if I tried to pee while my children are awake. I'm not condoning smoking. I'm not saying it makes me cool or that other people should take up smoking. It is a filthy, vile habit. It just allows me those five minutes of peace that I so desperately look forward to and need. And besides, if other people started smoking, they'd want to join me...and I'm not a people person. What sort of dirty or bad habit do you have that you aren't afraid to admit?

I have a mouth like a sailor...and I'm ok with it

I was out to dinner one night with my two kids, the hubby, my good friend and her two boys. We're in the middle of our chips and salsa, enjoying conversation and sharing stories about what has been going on since the last time we saw each other. In the middle of me telling her about a shitty day I'd had the prior week, her youngest son (6 years old) says "Mom, she said the 'F' word." She turns to him and says "I know she did. That is a grown up bad word and you are not aloud to use it. You know how there are video games that are graphic and you can't play with them and if you do, only in short spurts? Well, Aunt Vicki is kinda like that." My mouth fell open. Her son seemed to except this, no questions asked. I turn to her, this woman I've known since the first day of junior high, and I'm almost speechless....almost. "Ummm...excuse me but...did you just compare hanging out with me to playing...grand theft auto?"  Her response was: "No, no...you're more like...Halo." The dinner continued on without incident. I'd thought about what she said for a few days. I couldn't possibly swear THAT much. I'd notice if I did. So, a few days later, I'm sitting on the couch feeding my 4 month old daughter and I hear the distinct sound of an empty Mt Dew bottle being banged against everything in my kitchen. So I call out "Matti, Stop beating that on everything and throw it away." Silence....for about five seconds. Again "Matti, Stop banging that on things and throw it away!" ...silence...followed by more banging. "Matthew! Quit fucking around in there and throw it away, dammit!" It stops. My 3 year old son comes around the corner, looks me dead in the eye and says "Mommy, I'm NOT fuckin' around. I'm playin'!" *face palm* Maybe my friend had a point about my language. Maybe I could stand to clean my mouth up a bit. But "Golly gee!" or "My goodness" just doesn't have the same ring to it when I get pissed off. So...here I am. Swearing like a sailor (sometimes more days than others) and to be perfectly honest, I'm not even ashamed of it. More people should let out the frustration with a big giant "F" bomb sometimes. They'd probably feel better and less likely to get offended by whatever shit pops out of my mouth next.

The struggle is never ending

I am a pretty independent, opinionated and strong person. I can and have handled a lot of different obstacles in my life, most of which I'll get into in a different post for now is not the time. However, one thing I continually struggle with is admitting I need help. It's not that I think it makes me look weak, although at times that's exactly what I feel. It's more...I feel like people should be able to SEE it. I'm a mother of two, one 3 yr old boy and one 4 month old girl. I work full time. I'm married. Lately, I can feel this ball of resentment creeping into my soul. I'm struggling. It's a very hard thing for me to admit. I'm struggling. I'm struggling with trying to find a balance between work and the attention my children deserve and demand. I'm struggling with the lack of sleep I've been getting. I'm struggling with balancing the attention between my son wanting me and my daughter needing me. I'm struggling with the housework and keeping up with the laundry. And most of all, I'm struggling with not resenting my husband for not helping out as much as I feel he should because he should SEE it. I can't go to the store, get the mail, make dinner, shower or pee without someone attached to me. And I know what some of you are thinking. "well that's what happens when you have children." I agree. I made the choice to have them and I wouldn't change it for anything. But I find myself longing for a day when he picks up the kids from daycare. Or stopping by the store without having to unload and reload two kids. Or being able to go and mow the lawn or unload the dishwasher. Oh what I would give for ten minutes in the shower to shave my legs in peace. It'll get better, right? It has to. Every mother must go through this. This struggle to find a routine. A balance between life before and life now. This need for help and the realization that you may actually have to ask for it because the significant other just doesn't see it. The resentment that can creep up inside you and rear it's ugly head before you even know it's there. That feeling when you lay your head down and think "OK. I made it through today." I'm a strong enough person to admit, I'm not super mommy. I'm struggling. I'm OK with it most days because deep down, I believe it WILL get better. It has to get better. Any other mommies out there feel the "struggle"?